Supporting a Victim

What to Say and What not to Say to a Survivor of Sexual Assault
Self-help Resources

What to Say and What not to Say to a Survivor of Sexual Assault

When trying to support a sexual assault survivor, try not to be judgmental or take control (even when we know a lot about sexual assault, we bring our own values and prejudices to all situations). A sympathetic ear can go a long way towards aiding their recovery process.

The most important things you can communicate are

"I'm glad you're alive."
"It's not your fault."
"You did the best you could."
"I'm sorry this happened."

Also keep in mind the following guidelines

DO

DON'T

Be a good listener
Assist the survivor in getting the help he/she needs and wants. This may mean providing phone numbers, information, transportation, etc.
Express support. Sometimes standing close to the survivor and conveying feelings by touch can be very comforting. However, physical touch may be upsetting given the assault, so ask if you may hold their hand, touch their shoulder, etc. before doing so.
Reinforce that cooperation does NOT mean consent. (Many survivors feel guilty because they didn't fight back). Remind him/her that fear often immobilizes people.
Try to minimize the number of times the survivor must tell the story of the assault.
Assure the survivor that it was not his/her fault, and that no one asks to be or deserves to be raped.
Help the survivor know that this experience will cause a disruption in his/her life, but they will recover.

Give advice or make decisions for the survivor. (Remember that it is important for the survivor to make his/her own decisions as a step toward regaining control and overcoming feelings of helplessness).
Tell the survivor what you would have done.
Ask them why he/she didn't scream, fight or run.
Prod for details of the assault.
Prevent the survivor from talking about the assault if he/she wants to.
Stare or make piercing eye contact.
Ask him/her if they did anything to "lead the attacker on".
Ask what the survivor was wearing.
Ask why he/she was walking alone at night.
Ask whether he/she was drinking.
BLAME THE SURVIVOR!!!

Self-Help Resources

The Wellness Resource Lab, located on the 1st floor of the Wellness Recreation Center in Room 104, includes a resource library with many books, videos, cassettes, pamphlets and newsletters on a variety of health and wellness topics. There is also a special section for Violence Intervention Resources.

Checking out materials is free and you may keep these materials for 2 weeks.

If you have concerns about accessing materials from the Wellness Lab in person, please contact Violence Intervention Services staff members Mark Rowe or Julie Barnes to make confidential material check-out arrangements.

Recovery

VIS 19— Academic and Workplace Sexual Harassment
Paludi, Michele A. and Richard B. Barickman.
State University of New York Press, 1991. 215 pages.
Combines social science, legal, and management approaches to combat sexual harassment in schools and workplaces

VIS 24— Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child.
Davis, Laura
HarperCollins Publishers, 1991. 303 pages.
Filled with information, support, and guidance, here is the eagerly awaited book that answers the most important questions asked by partners of survivors of child sexual abuse. Laura Davis, the coauthor of the bestselling The Courage to Heal and author of The Courage to Heal Workbook, offers practical advice, encouragement and much-needed support.

VIS 31— Alone & Forgotten: The Sexually Abused Man.
Tobin, Rod.
Creative Bound, Inc. Ontario, 1999. 91 pages.
In 1992, therapist Rod Tobin began working with male survivors of sexual abuse. Half of the men treated came from the general public; the other half had suffered abuse at boy's training schools. In Alone and Forgotten, he examines the major symptoms of sexually abused men, and explains how society's perceptions and the survivor's healing process differ from that of their female counterparts. This book offers a positive process of healing for male survivors of sexual abuse.

VIS 29— Free Yourself from an Abusive Relationship.
Lissette, Andrea and Richard Kraus.
Hunter House Publishers, CA, 2000. 288 pages.
is book is a comprehensive guide to recognizing and dealing with domestic abuse and violence. It outlines the different types and stages of abuse, and provides information on how to change such relationships or escape from them.

VIS 20— Helping Your Child Recover from Sexual Abuse.
Adams, Caren and Fay, Jennifer.
University of Washington Press, 1987. 157 pages.
The sexual abuse of a child creates a devastating family crisis. Parents want to know what to do and say to help their child, both immediately and in the long term. Helping Your Child Recover from Sexual Abuse offers practical guidance for parents who courageously face the days and months after a child's abuse.

VIS 23— How Long Does It Hurt?
Mather, Cynthia L. and Debye, Kristina E.
Jossey-Bass, 2004. 248 pages.
Step-by-step recovery guide for teenagers who are being sexually abused. The authors present concrete and practical advice on many crucial issues, including: knowing who to tell, getting safe, dealing with friends, becoming comfortable with your sexuality, going to court, living with your family after you tell, and ultimately, surviving the trauma of sexual abuse. Teens learn to overcome their feelings of isolation, confusion, and self-doubt.

VIS 25— In Their Own Words: A Sexual Abuse Workbook for Teenage Girls.
Munson, Lulie and Riskin, Karen.
Child Welfare League of America, 1995. 79 pages.
Written by two therapists, this work includes the words, thoughts, and experiences of many young women who have been sexually abused.

VIS 4— Incest and Sexuality: A guide to Understanding and Healing.
Maltz, Wendy & Holman, Beverly.
Lexington Books, 1987. 166 pages.
It is the first book to detail how sexuality is influences by early abuse and will relate to the needs of both men and women.

VIS 43— Surviving the Silence: Black Women's Stories of Rape
Pierce-Baker, Charlotte
W.W. Norton and Company. New York. 1998. 284 pages
In this powerful, forthright book, Charlotte Pierce-Baker weaves together accounts of black women who have been raped and who have felt that they had to remain silent in order to protect themselves and their race. It opens with the author's courageous account of her rape and includes the stories of her own family's response, as well as the voices of black men who have supported rape survivors.

VIS 12— Talking Back to Sexual Pressure.
Powell, Elizabeth.
CompCare Publishers. 1991. 255 pages.
Provides advice and specific skills for asserting and protecting your sexual rights, including what to say and do in uncomfortable or potentially dangerous situations, and where to get and give help.

VIS 3— The Healing Patch: A guide to Surviving Domestic Violence
Iowa Medical Society, 1996. 54 pages.
A resource for survivor's on healing after experiencing domestic violence.

VIS 21— The Me Nobody Knows: A Guide for Teen Survivors
Bean, Barbara and Bennett, Shari.
Jossey-Bass, 1993. 145 pages.
When teenagers are victims of sexual abuse, the 'normal' problems of adolescence are exacerbated. The authors validate the conflicting emotions aroused by sexual abuse and offer these adolescents simple, concrete advice about reporting the abuse and how to seek counseling.

VIS 37— Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of violence-from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror.
Herman, Judith.
Basic Books, New York, 1997. 290 pages.
"...a psychology classic, called one of the most important psychiatric works since Freud, containing a new afterword by its author...discusses how violence in all forms affects its survivors and how those survivors cope."

VIS 22— When Your Child Has Been Molested: A Parents' Guide to Healing and Recovery.
Brohl, Kathryn.
Jossey-Bass, 2004. 202 pages.
This is the thoroughly revised and updated edition of the best-selling guide for families of children who have been molested. First published in 1988, this new edition includes current research and information on the nature and effects of molestation on boys and girls, as well as proven techniques for therapy, healing, and recovery. Using everyday language, the authors provide information, comfort, and advice on how to put the pieces back together again after a child has been sexually molested.

VIS 32— Who, What, Where, When: A Symbol Book for Communicating with Survivors of Sexual Abuse Who Use Augmentative and Alternative Communication.
Iowa Coalition Against Sexual Assault, 2006. 68 pages.
A comprehensive binder resource on this topic.