Healthy Relationships
- Relationship Definition
- Are You Ready For A Relationship?
- Stages of a Relationship
- Do's and Don'ts of Relationships
- Relationship Warning Signs & Successful Relationship Keys
- Online Relationship Resources
- Self-Help Resources
Other links
- Healthy VS. Unhealthy Relationships
- http://www.uni.edu/wellrec/wellness/information/relationships.html
Relationship -- Webster's Dictionary
1. the state or character of being related or interrelated: CONNECTION.
2. KINSHIP; a specific instance or type of kinship.
3. a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings
Webster uses such words as "connection" and "kinship" to define relationships. Think about the relationships in your life. Do you feel a sense of connection and kinship with your friends, siblings, parents, children, mentors, or romantic partner? It is these connections that bring us joy, energy, and love. Through these connections we can also experience anger, jealousy, and resentment. No, relationships aren't always easy and conflict will develop. The future of our relationships is determined by how we work through these conflicts.
Are You Ready For A Relationship?
- Are you still in love with an ex-partner?
- Are you still carrying resentment/rage toward an ex-partner?
- Do you feel spiritually empty?
- Do you dislike the person you are?
- Do you feel you have nothing valuable to offer a partner?
- Do you have addictions you're not dealing with?
- Do you feel so lonely and desperate that you're totally miserable without a relationship?
- Do you feel no one would want to be in a relationship with you?
- Do you find it difficult to feel any emotion?
- Are you unwilling to talk about your feelings with others?
Stages of a Relationship
- Attraction: You are attracted to a person for some reason and want to know her/him better. It could be someone who "looks good" to you; someone you've talked to a few times; someone who appeals to you emotionally or for some other, unexplainable reason.
- The first step: You take the risk of suggesting you do something together- have coffee, go to a lecture or concert together, etc.
- Getting to know one another: You start spending more time together. If it's working so far, you both risk being more vulnerable by disclosing things about yourselves to each other. This stage tests the relationship and builds (or ends) feelings of trust in one another.
- Conflict: Sooner or later, differences arise. It may not seem like it at the time, but conflict is an opportunity. The relationship can stop and stay at this level, die, or grow deeper. The opportunity is that you have a chance to share fully and honestly the conflict you are feeling.
- Working it out: If you resolve the conflict, the relationship grows stronger.
You realize you can get through the rough spots. You develop a deeper sense of trust and confidence in each other. If you don't resolve the conflict, the relationship might end, or the conflict will just remain as a "sticking point." - Deepening the relationship: If the conflict is resolved, the relationship moves to deeper levels of caring. You have increased trust, affection, delight and pleasure in each other's company.
These stages are common to relationships: those between good friends, siblings, parents and children, students and mentors, and intimate couples. Each stage will be repeated over and over during the relationship. Each stage can be a decision point: Do you continue this relationship or end it? Each time you choose to work through the stages in a positive way, the relationship deepens and the commitment between you is strengthened.
Do's and Don'ts of Relationships
Don't
- Begin your statements with "you should", "you ought to", "you always' or "you never"
- Re-fight old arguments or re-live old hurts
- Do everything together
- Demand change
- Call names, use sarcasm, make accusations
Do
- Even when the source of pain seems clearly to be your partner's behavior, try to get in touch with what is going on inside you
- Listen carefully and non-judgmentally to what your partner is saying/feeling
- Make positive suggestions in specific terms about what you'd like to be different in your relationship with your partner
- Practice assessing where your relationship is frequently
Daily temperature reading
- Appreciation: Take turns expressing appreciation for something your partner has done.
- New information: Tell your partner something which lets him/her in on your mood, your experiences, your life.
- Puzzles: Take turns asking each other something you don't understand (either about your own behavior or that of your partner) that your partner might be able to explain.
- Complaint with request for change: Without placing blame or being judgmental, cite a specific behavior that bothers you and state the behavior you would like instead.
- Hopes: Share with your partner what your dreams/hopes are, especially those which involve both of you.
Relationship Warning Signs & Successful Relationship Keys
In this relationship am I:
1. Disregarding my own intentions?
2. Overlooking behavior that deeply hurts me?
3. Covering up behavior I despise?
4. Appearing cheerful when I'm hurt or angry?
5. Allowing my standards or values to be compromised?
6. Assuming responsibility for all the problems in our relationship?
7. Believing I have no option but to stay?
8. Experiencing a deepening sense of loneliness or disconnectedness?
9. Considering a relationship (or already have begun) with someone else?
10. Becoming critical of everything regarding my partner?
Successful Relationship Keys
NOT: I've been unhappy up until now, and I expect you to change all that.
INSTEAD: I am a worthwhile person, capable of and deserving of a loving relationship with someone. I'd like that to be you, but if not you, I'm worthwhile enough to be loved by lots of people.
SELF-WORTH AFFIRMATIONS
I am the most important factor in any relationship I am involved in. Acknowledging this fact is an important first step on my journey to a happy love relationship. I am a valuable human being, but I can be even more valuable than I am now, especially to myself. If I love me, understand me, and am really honest with myself then full sharing relationships will come naturally. They may take a little longer to develop but they are likely to be relationships worth waiting for.
Steps for Building Loving Relationships into your Daily Routine
- Hug someone important to you.
- Do something thoughtful for someone give of yourself in ways other than gifts.
- Listen to them.
- Follow through on your promises
- Ask for help when you feel overloaded; then accept that help without criticizing their performance.
- Make an active choice to let someone else have his/her way when you disagree.
- Tell someone you care about them.
- Allow someone to use a personal belonging that you value.
- Believe that others will do what they tell you.
- Set aside some time for quiet talk.
- Share some of your secrets, even when that's risky.
- Try to reduce the frequency of judgmental thoughts about other people's behaviors.
Online Relationship Resources
Self-Help Resources
The Wellness Resource Lab, located on the 1st floor of the Wellness Recreation Center in Room 104, includes a resource library with many books, videos, cassettes, pamphlets and newsletters on a variety of health and wellness topics. There is also a special section for Violence Intervention Resources .
Checking out materials is free and you may keep these materials for two weeks.
If you have concerns about accessing materials from the Wellness Lab in person, please contact Violence Intervention Services staff member Mark Rowe to make confidential material check-out arrangements.
Healthy Relationships
VIS 29— Free Yourself from an Abusive Relationship.
Lissette, Andrea and Richard Kraus.
Hunter House Publishers, CA, 2000. 288 pages.
is book is a comprehensive guide to recognizing and dealing with domestic abuse and violence. It outlines the different types and stages of abuse, and provides information on how to change such relationships or escape from them.
VIS 9— Getting the Love You Want: A Guide For Couples.
Hendrix, Harville Ph.D.
Harper & Row, 1988.
Here is an extraordinary practical guide to resolving problems, using 16 exercises to enhance communication, stop self-defeating behavior, and achieve mutual emotional satisfaction. With Hendrix's advice, the all-too-common marital power struggle can be gradually transformed into a mutually beneficial process of spiritual and emotional growth.
VIS 40— Happiness for Two.
Stoddard, Alexandra.
Collins Pub. New York, 2007. 200 pages.
Pursuing happiness sounds easy, but with so many demands on our time and resources, it can be a challenge. Alexandra Stoddard shows how two people can be happy together, not at each other's expense.
VIS 44— Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus
Bogle, Kathleen
New York University Press, New York, 2008. 225.
Hooking Up is an intimate look at how and why college students get together, what hooking up means to them, and why it has replaced dating on college campuses. In surprisingly frank interviews, students reveal the circumstances that have led to the rise of the booty call and the death of dinner-and-a-movie. Whether it is an expression of postfeminist independence or a form of youthful rebellion, hooking up has become the only game in town on many campuses.
VIS 30— May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating, Communication, Respect, and Sexual Assault Awareness.
Domitrz, Michael.
Awareness Publications, Greenfield, WI, 2003. 109 pages.
An in-depth look at the realities of dating and intimacy. While most people simply "make their move" on a date, Mike Domitrz reveals why asking first makes all the difference. Domitrz's candid advice, real-life scenarios, and interactive exercises will revolutionize your approach to dating while adding romance, building respect, and heightening your awareness of sexual misconduct and assault.
VIS 13— No More Clueless Sex.
Wyatt, Gail Elizabeth and Wyatt, Lewis.
John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey. 2004. 211 pages.
Sex therapists explore 10 common sexual patterns that sabotage love and offer a customized program to achieve greater intimacy and better relationships.
VIS 11— Relationships: How to Make Bad Relationships Better and Good Relationships Great.
Parrott, Les
Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan. 1998. 310 pages.
Designed for college students, young adults, singles, and dating couples, this book teaches the basics of healthy relationships, including friendship, dating, sexuality, and relating to God.
VIS 34— Season of Life: A Football star, a Boy, a Journey to Manhood.
Marx, Jeffrey.
Simon & Schuster, New York. 2003. 177 pages.
Season of Life is a book about what it means to be a man of substance and impact. It is a moving story that will resonate with athletes, coaches, parents -- anyone struggling to make the right choices in life.
VIS 10— Secrets of a Healthy Dating Relationship.
Parrott, Les
Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, Kansas. 1995. 112 pages.
Here are the plans to create meaningful Bible study and discussion for teenagers based on seven secrets of healthy dating relationships.
VIS 39— Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life (A Thoughts and Feelings Workbook).
McKay, Davis and Fanning.
MJF Books, NY. 1997.
Chronic anger, anxiety, or depression can result from a group of negative thoughts which exclude other, more beneficial thoughts. In the thoroughly revised edition of this helpful manual, trusted authors present a series of time-proven techniques for stopping the negative thoughts that profoundly impact 12 common mood-based problems.
VIS 16— The Complete Handbook for College Women: Making the Most of Your College Experience.
Weinberg, Carol.
New York University Press, 1994.
Praised by students and education professionals alike, this important guide provides a candid, mentoring voice for today's college women. Weinberg offers straightforward advice on eating disorders, alcohol and drugs, sexuality, rape and personal safety, physical and emotional health, living in a diverse environment, and much more.
VIS 41— The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.
Chapman, Gary.
International Bible Society, Zondervan Publishing House. 1995. 187 pages.
While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, Chapman identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one by illustrating each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice.
VIS 33— The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help.
Katz, Jackson.
Sourcebooks, Inc. Naperville, IL. 2006. 296 pages.
Violence against women is every man's issue. Jackson Katz's intended audience is not violent men who need help changing their ways, but all men, who, he says, have a role to play in preventing male violence against women.
VIS 8— Violence: Resource and Education Manual
Iowa Coalition of Domestic Abuse
A comprehensive binder resource.