Physical & Emotional Abuse

Emotional or psychological abuse occurs when someone is exposed or subjected to behavior that is psychologically harmful. The abuser intentionally inflicts emotional or mental anguish through threats, humiliation, verbal abuse or non-verbal conduct.

What is your relationship like?
Things to consider
- Domestic Violence Safety Plan
Domestic Abuse
Self -help Resources

Examples of emotional abuse include constantly belittling, berating, isolating, ignoring, or rejecting someone.

Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, is used to control, demean, harm or punish the victim. While the forms of abuse may vary, the end result is the same – the victim is fearful of the abuser and walks on eggshells to please him/her and try to be safe from harm. Long term effects of emotional abuse include isolation and withdrawal from others, decreased self-esteem, depression, physical illness, alcohol and other drug use/abuse.

Emotional abuse is sometimes referred to as “pre-battering behavior”, as it often escalates to physical abuse.

These questions will help you identify if you are being emotionally and/or physically abused, and provide some ideas on available support and resources.
Source: Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness

What is your relationship like?

Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don’t know how to describe it?
Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner’s eyes?
Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names?
Does your partner prevent you from going to work or school, or from learning English?
If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don’t deserve anything?
Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex
Does your partner use the children against you in arguments? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?

Things to consider

Know that you are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior.
Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
Recognize that emotional abuse should be taken seriously.
Know that emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence.
Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider getting individual counseling from professionals who are trained about abusive relationships and will hold your partner responsible for the abuse you are experiencing.
Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength.

Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is physical abuse that occurs between family or household members who are living together or who have lived together within the past year, between separated or divorced spouses, between individuals who have a child together, or between individuals who are currently in an intimate relationship or who were in such a relationship within the year prior to the abuse. Iowa’s Domestic Abuse law describes the process for obtaining a restraining order (.pdf), police responsibilities, how the criminal justice system works, and other resources.

Some victims leave, others stay, and yet others leave, but later return to their batterer, having been convinced that he has changed (.pdf). To an outsider, this is frustrating and confusing. They wonder, “why would anyone stay in an abusive relationship?”

Research shows that domestic violence tends to escalate in severity when victims communicate that they intend to leave or they actually leave the relationship. For this reason, it is very important to plan (.pdf). carefully to leave.

Self-Help Resources

The Wellness Resource Lab, located on the 1st floor of the Wellness Recreation Center in Room 104, includes a resource library with many books, videos, cassettes, pamphlets and newsletters on a variety of health and wellness topics. There is also a special section for Violence Intervention Resources .

Checking out materials is free and you may keep these materials for two weeks.

If you have concerns about accessing materials from the Wellness Lab in person, please contact Violence Intervention Services staff member Mark Rowe to make confidential material check-out arrangements.

Domestic/Relationship/Dating Violence

VIS 36— Addressing Domestic Violence and Its Consequences.
The Common Wealth Fund.
Columbia University, 1998.
A policy report.

VIS 29— Free Yourself from an Abusive Relationship.
Lissette, Andrea and Richard Kraus.
Hunter House Publishers, CA, 2000. 288 pages.
is book is a comprehensive guide to recognizing and dealing with domestic abuse and violence. It outlines the different types and stages of abuse, and provides information on how to change such relationships or escape from them.

VIS 30— May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating, Communication, Respect, and Sexual Assault Awareness.
Domitrz, Michael.
Awareness Publications, Greenfield, WI, 2003. 109 pages.
An in-depth look at the realities of dating and intimacy. While most people simply "make their move" on a date, Mike Domitrz reveals why asking first makes all the difference. Domitrz's candid advice, real-life scenarios, and interactive exercises will revolutionize your approach to dating while adding romance, building respect, and heightening your awareness of sexual misconduct and assault.

VIS 26— The Beauty Myth.
Wolf, Naomi.
Harper Perennial, 2002. 348 pages.
In this controversial national bestseller, feminist scholar Naomi Wolf argues that there is one hurdle in the struggle for equality that women have yet to clear--the myth of female beauty. She exposes today's unrealistic standards of female beauty as a destructive form of social control and a reaction against women's increasing status in business and politics.

VIS 3— The Healing Patch: A guide to Surviving Domestic Violence
Iowa Medical Society, 1996. 54 pages.
A resource for survivor's on healing after experiencing domestic violence.

VIS 33— The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help.
Katz, Jackson.
Sourcebooks, Inc. Naperville, IL. 2006. 296 pages.
Violence against women is every man's issue. Jackson Katz's intended audience is not violent men who need help changing their ways, but all men, who, he says, have a role to play in preventing male violence against women.

VIS 37— Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of violence-from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror.
Herman, Judith.
Basic Books, New York, 1997. 290 pages.
"...a psychology classic, called one of the most important psychiatric works since Freud, containing a new afterword by its author...discusses how violence in all forms affects its survivors and how those survivors cope."

VIS 8— Violence: Resource and Education Manual
Iowa Coalition of Domestic Abuse
A comprehensive binder resource.

Healthy Relationships

VIS 9— Getting the Love You Want: A Guide For Couples.
Hendrix, Harville Ph.D.
Harper & Row, 1988.
Here is an extraordinary practical guide to resolving problems, using 16 exercises to enhance communication, stop self-defeating behavior, and achieve mutual emotional satisfaction. With Hendrix's advice, the all-too-common marital power struggle can be gradually transformed into a mutually beneficial process of spiritual and emotional growth.

VIS 40— Happiness for Two.
Stoddard, Alexandra.
Collins Pub. New York, 2007. 200 pages.
Pursuing happiness sounds easy, but with so many demands on our time and resources, it can be a challenge. Alexandra Stoddard shows how two people can be happy together, not at each other's expense.

VIS 44— Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus
Bogle, Kathleen
New York University Press, New York, 2008. 225.
Hooking Up is an intimate look at how and why college students get together, what hooking up means to them, and why it has replaced dating on college campuses. In surprisingly frank interviews, students reveal the circumstances that have led to the rise of the booty call and the death of dinner-and-a-movie. Whether it is an expression of postfeminist independence or a form of youthful rebellion, hooking up has become the only game in town on many campuses.

VIS 13— No More Clueless Sex.
Wyatt, Gail Elizabeth and Wyatt, Lewis.
John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey. 2004. 211 pages.
Sex therapists explore 10 common sexual patterns that sabotage love and offer a customized program to achieve greater intimacy and better relationships.

VIS 11— Relationships: How to Make Bad Relationships Better and Good Relationships Great.
Parrott, Les
Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan. 1998. 310 pages.
Designed for college students, young adults, singles, and dating couples, this book teaches the basics of healthy relationships, including friendship, dating, sexuality, and relating to God.

VIS 34— Season of Life: A Football star, a Boy, a Journey to Manhood.
Marx, Jeffrey.
Simon & Schuster, New York. 2003. 177 pages.
Season of Life is a book about what it means to be a man of substance and impact. It is a moving story that will resonate with athletes, coaches, parents -- anyone struggling to make the right choices in life.

VIS 10— Secrets of a Healthy Dating Relationship.
Parrott, Les
Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, Kansas. 1995. 112 pages.
Here are the plans to create meaningful Bible study and discussion for teenagers based on seven secrets of healthy dating relationships.

VIS 39— Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life (A Thoughts and Feelings Workbook).
McKay, Davis and Fanning.
MJF Books, NY. 1997.
Chronic anger, anxiety, or depression can result from a group of negative thoughts which exclude other, more beneficial thoughts. In the thoroughly revised edition of this helpful manual, trusted authors present a series of time-proven techniques for stopping the negative thoughts that profoundly impact 12 common mood-based problems.

VIS 16— The Complete Handbook for College Women: Making the Most of Your College Experience.
Weinberg, Carol.
New York University Press, 1994.
Praised by students and education professionals alike, this important guide provides a candid, mentoring voice for today's college women. Weinberg offers straightforward advice on eating disorders, alcohol and drugs, sexuality, rape and personal safety, physical and emotional health, living in a diverse environment, and much more.

VIS 41— The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.
Chapman, Gary.
International Bible Society, Zondervan Publishing House. 1995. 187 pages.
While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, Chapman identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one by illustrating each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice.

VIS 8— Violence: Resource and Education Manual
Iowa Coalition of Domestic Abuse
A comprehensive binder resource.